The Joy of Being Assertive
Putting Your Intent into Action
What is assertiveness?
You see something you want and you go after it, whether that's a job position, a redhead, or a bartender's attention. Assertiveness takes your intent and puts it into action. Likewise, you can't be assertive without having intent; it's a prerequisite.
Too much and you're aggressive, too little and you're passive. The aggressor is the bully, the passive dude is the doormat, and the assertive guy is in between.
Aggressive people tend to step over the boundaries of passive people, resulting in abuse and manipulation. Assertive people say what they mean and go after what they want, but not in a way that is harmful to others or disrespectful of others' boundaries. If an assertive person is confronted by an aggressive person, he will defend his boundaries from aggression.
So in the case of the bartender, a passive guy will stand meekly by waiting for the bartender to notice him while everyone else steps around him and gets waited on. The aggressive guy will shove everyone out of the way and yell at the bartender for help. The assertive guy will maneuver up to the bar without pushing anyone aside, will focus on the bartender until they lock eyes, and then will make his voice heard in a way that is commanding.
There is no lack of clarity with the aggressive or the assertive guy. The passive guy, however, seems unclear about his intent (this is the perception of others, even if he is clear in his head). And so he is often ignored and passed by. Men don't respect him and women aren't captivated by him. Even if he is full of intent, he doesn't show it, so he is seen as a pussy, someone who doesn't feel good about himself, wishy washy, easy to be taken advantage of, not freely expressing himself.
DR. MARLOWE DISCUSSES ASSERTIVENESS. LISTEN HERE.
Aggressive people don't have a problem expressing their desires, but often their trouble is in controlling their emotions. So they explode unexpectedly, seem unreasonable, impulsive and brash. A little bit of this is exciting, but eventually the assertive guy appears more solid since he is in command of his emotions. Other people feel good interacting with assertive men, but they often wind up feeling used and disrespected by aggressive men.
Let's take this to your interaction with girlies. Shall we?
Say you have full-on intent. Meaning you see a hotty and you wanna bang her. Now, rather than be assertive, you sit there and don't approach. Or in another situation, you want to make out with a girl you're hitting on, but that voice in your head stops you. Or perhaps she's being a bitch and you don't put your foot down, instead buckling and letting her be dominant.
Digging deeper, the cause of not approaching is anxiety. So it is with not pulling the trigger. Perhaps fear of loss stops you from letting girls know when they've overstepped your boundaries. Maybe you're scared that your communication skills are sub par and will inadvertently get you into trouble.
Notice that in all these cases the underlying theme is anxiety and fear. If you are truly confident and without fear, you will put your intent into action. Yes there may be repercussions. You may be made a fool of, your ego may get bruised, you may get rejected. But you get back on your feet and reassert yourself.
Sometimes that fear is masquerading as something else. That's where excuses come from. Guys who don't approach often have a list of a dozen reasons to support their behavior. Recognizing this internal dialogue and then disidentifying yourself from it is the first step, followed by setting this dialogue aside and then doing what you want in spite of it.
To help become more assertive, put your intent into clear and decisive action. Take charge. Lead. Take responsibility and risk. Own your intent.
The entire article, Assertiveness, Intent and Drive, is available to Man School students.
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